Smothering vines.

And then, I said. Again then again yet again. I said thank you. Thank you both for all. i love you guys. But I don’t mind for it was one and yes, one of the greatest days of my life. I shall be telling the legendary story of how my two very best buddies actually gave me the best birthday present I could ever receive. But before I start ranting on my emo birthday and all, (next post) I want to tell a little story.

A story about my day today. And yes. It wasn’t a very good day to start with. I have to remind all of you that two names shall be constantly revealed again and yet again here on these many posts. Haha. Please, dudes and dudesses I respect, have no misdemeanor for I have little friends and it happens that I spend most of my slow moving life with them so yes. Rachel Chong and Melinda. Two important people. Actually extremely important. I shall mention them yet again in the next post shortly after this. Which reminds me that I fell kinda sick two days ago after a grueling duel with Dell Inspiron, the desktop with Vista steroids and an unstable mind which caused me to install lots and lots of “taming” programmes into it.

Oh yeah. Haha.. okay that was really bloody damn dumbo lame. Yeah. Im down with the common influenza more commonly known as flu. Here is the irony. Im a late sleeper but I actually fell “dead yesterday at about 9pm. Amazing business. I was so so so dead tired.

Still it is supposedly claimed that spending too much time on electronic devices can have hazardous effects on health. To what extend the this statement is true is not my concern, but I seriously believe it has affected me somehow..for someone like me, you might think ” Oh no, Nat’s turning paranoid. He’s gonna be some freak”, but nah..its just a speculation coz I spent serious multiple hours on the lifeless monitor. And no kidding. It caused me a relapse of my old attitude. Something awful. Mood swings and temper’s blazing for no apparent reason. Either its my disorientation from the long hours spent on the computer, or just my inner kept anger or something in my food.. sigh..Oh well. I seriously don’t know why.

Events in a day can be harsh and hard. Life is never and easy road and we all know it really bloody well. Somehow, the day did not end bad. I had a full day with Melinda and we had a good chat but then and then again, deeper waters lie beneath my still image. It all starts with this event. I have been trying to change lately. A change for the better. To be a celebrated individual. To be the one people would adore. Well yeah many adore me but then still, I feel dissatisfied with myself. I feel upset. Melinda is a positive thinker and she told me about the roots of my problem.

Low self esteem and I lately have been undergoing some self-reexamination and self-checking to look up on where I have gone wrong. I spend most of my life in the shadows of the dark, in great lows and always believed I lag behind others who seem to have a better foothold of themselves in every single aspect of life. These, strong but fateful elements bring my confidence down a lot. And so, as I was mentioning, I have been going through this so-called re operation and reformatting of my mind. It seems to have worked. But suddenly today, I had this bad mood swing thing. Hell knows why. I started pissing off people, and me feeling equally pissed at almost everything started yelling off at friends on MSN. I regret my actions but I seriously do feel somethings amiss.

Ironically, I am a pretender in life. Trying to be good and nice to everybody. Its a nature by its own for me to act and live well but then, these things cause dissatisfaction as in I do not get the same returns. i never ever get to be the celebrated one. I’m forever forgotten, at least in most times where I would never be the first thought. I would never be waited in a crowd, if I were to pause. Nobody would ask hey where is nat. Or whenever I make some joke, it would be branded lame. Or given an ugly look. Just maybe. Okay call me sensitive fucking idiot. How would you feel if you thought you did something well, believed in that thought for a long time till someone comes up to you and says hey, its actually not good. Its clearly shown on the face. Maybe I’m just not outstanding enough or what. Lemmie tell you this. Me writing this post is not to whine my ass away. Its just how I see things in life.

I never actually get to have a medal in my hand saying ” hey i have a fan base now”. i try so hard trying to please or do things which might please. Do things which yeah, make people find me appealing. Why do I never get it at all?? Most people who never try get all the luck and attention. I try hard and never harder before. I get nothing. And I mean it. I count my blessings.Trust me I hold dear to all of them coz it only gets less, not more.They get taken away from me one by one. I’m tired of this. I mean I know life is all about positive thinking and.. trying to gain..confidence and all..and when that happens all works. I just want to be myself. I just want to be who I am. I just want to be liked for what I am. I feel better. Full stop. Rants and weariness away. For those who read this and understood me, thanks. For those who did not. Thanks.. for nothing.

~ by Nathy on October 30, 2007.